Polite Questions/ Mysterious Friendships

The other day I asked someone the question, “what do you do?” ….or if I didn’t use these exact words it was something very similar. I don’t really like this question because even when I know that people are being kind I often hear this one as, “please justify your existence.” Maybe I’m being a little dramatic, but I hear, “what is your value to this relationship, organisation, community, country or world” all wrapped up in that four word question.

Sometime last year I wrote a long list of questions that I’d secretly like to ask people when I meet them. I’ve forgotten nearly all of them but I think I wrote:
- Have you ever cried because something was beautiful?
- Have you ever slept all night on the beach?
- When was the last time you just stopped and looked at the stars?
- How often do you wonder whether or not you are going insane?

I’ve forgotten the rest because I don’t use them. I don’t use them because I try not to scare people and I think it is polite to start with questions people know the answers to. It builds rapport.

Lately I’ve been meeting some new people so I’ve been saying things such as, “what are you doing in Cambodia in the moment?” or “which organisation are you with?” or even, “what is your professional background?” Sometimes I want to preface this by saying, “by the way, this isn’t an interrogation. I’m just asking because I’d like to know you better.” But that could be dangerous because I might end up launching into a speech like this:

“I am totally fascinated by the people that God has placed on this planet. To begin to contemplate the reality that each person has unique experiences, thoughts, feelings, perspectives, passions and desires is amazing. Seriously, when I think about all the wonders of creation- people come top of my list every time. You amaze me! There are no truly ordinary people. Sometimes I think about how few people out of all those who have lived and died and of all those who are yet to be born that I will ever have the chance to interact with in some small way. How few will I engage with a word, a touch or a smile. What a tiny proportion of amazing people will become part of those I meet regularly and even smaller, the number who will become friends. Yet, in all this there is something that brings us together in simply being people and in this moment- at this time, in this place- there is this simple but intangible wonder in the reality that- here we are. I know that I can only dip my toe in when it comes to really understanding the depths of those around me. Despite this, I want to know you better. I want to make room for you. I want to make space for you to disclose whatever parts of yourself you choose to disclose to me. I want to try to truly listen- whether or not you speak about things I know a lot about or expect hear or find easy to open my ear to. I want to learn to truly listen- not arriving at premature conclusions but walking at your pace and (as much as I can) in your shoes. As you share with me I come willing to change. This is not because I want to impress you or become a poor copy of something I’m not. This is because I know that I don’t have all the answers. If you decide to journey with me then you will have a part to play in figuring where this adventure leads. In it I will change and you will have the chance to embrace something of the new also. So do you want to do coffee sometime?”

Maybe all this would freak someone out more than asking them straight up how often they question their sanity. But with the opportunity to meet new people and form new friendships, this is how I feel about the mystery of it all.